Monday, May 11, 2015

21st century dangers

It used to be once you hit your bedroom alone you were safe.

now, as every-ones connected to everyone, dependent on RSS or passive facebook spoonfeeding there's the danger of babbling to a presumed audience.

I'm trying to control them but refuse to regret them.

I'm getting on and I have to pay my dues. I have debts that can never be repaid. Bob Maclaren was an early friend, I've known him from teenage on, he cared for me. He would quietly follow me as a friend as I took walks while we were both on tour, about 20 meters behind me just to make sure he could fish me out of whatever suicidal impulse I gave out to. I only recognised this after turning round after a long walk to find him there. It astonished me to have earned a guardian angel. I was a funny guy who never recognised I was loved. Later on Nick Nickolas and I toured NZ and I can remember regretting that if I wasn't heterosexual and we both weren't such smelly pointless fuckups we'd have made a good couple. I lent on people, I've always lent on people. I was unique but I've always needed foils. The street theatre world became my greater foil and I subverted it and succeeded. Nick and Bob admired that however they had either work ethics or larger plans. I just wanted strangers to love me and laugh and it was an easy science. Over decades i realised the laughter of complete strangers only ever brought me back to neutral, which was to me a form of joy. I had no-where else to go but the best friends in the world. You can't imagine having friends who bent the world cheerfully to their ends on a daily basis. My definition was whatever was invested in me was a waste of time. I was a romantic masochist and my friends had their own lives to lead. I would like to acknowledge that they, and many other secondary fellows, are the foundation of what I am today, whatever that's worth. Cheers.

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