Last tuesday i had the last of a series of appointments that culminated in me being neutered, that is, the door of my spermatozoa's bedroom has been locked forever, they have been left to talk among themselves and dream of what could have been, before being absorbed back into my body to become something more useful...like phlegm.
I am going to write a short story (which for me means thousands of words in really long sentences) Which I will then self publish and sell.
I realise that its a little like shutting the barn door after the donkey's dead and the doors all that's left of the barn but the idea of starting a writing venture by whoring out tales of my impotent sac is, I think, an astute stroke of genius. I will use spellcheck and it will have a printed cover and everything. Its a must for xmas.
(excerpt) I arrived at the abattoir for my 11am appointment, the waiting room was scattered with elderly gentlemen who’s entire bodies, either because of advanced years or some mysterious proctological condition, had taken on the consistency and texture of scrotal skin.
Every time the outside door was opened a faint breeze would enter and with it a subtle change of temperature would have the skin on their faces literally crawl, double chins would disappear and reappear, their expressions morphed involuntarily from wide eyed to squintingly suspicious.
I ignored them as best I could as I filled in an encyclopedic form that was forklifted onto my lap. This is my name, this is my wallet, no I suffer from nothing more than a well heeled disdain for my biological imperative, no I don’t get hot flushes and yes I fantasize about small asian men probing my anus with their index fingers.
Eventually my name was called, I was led into a room by a nurse and my blood pressure taken, given a cup and instructed to pee in it. Now I had prepared fairly extensively for this preliminary consultation, I had brought a portable DVD player with an external hard drive filled with 250 GB of assorted porn.
I had a small rucksack containing the soiled panties of 10 of the most lusted after porn actresses of the moment, 3 small phials of amyl nitrate , a small cassette player with a recordings of Kenny Rodgers I particularly enjoy and an inflatable Yack but my bladder was bare. The nurse left the room and I rooted under the sink to find alternatives and settled for filling the cup with ‘Pine-O-Clean’
I was shortly afterwards led into the doctors office, and it was like a dream come true, there, on the other side of an expansive desk, sat an Asian male with small hands. .....(to be cont...)