Monday, January 10, 2011
It's good to be sober.
First off you get physically sober. Your body starts healing from the abuse. My mind became open to reformatting. When you take mind altering stuff daily then obviously your mind gets altered. For me their were some major landslides in my mental topography. At first, the first month, because I was living rough and day to day I simply couldn't dwell on the sinkholes that opened up. I was aware that I was demonstratively insane, inventing things in my mind set in the past and future and present.
I've always been proud of my mind. It was tragic to me to feel it slipping away as a walked miles here and there on the smallest pretext. Not least to simply keep moving for to stop would mean defeat. I had nowhere to go but accepting that I feared would devour me.
I'd visit Robert. Thank God for cancer huh? The bus was free.
Now a month on and I'm at a stage where I'm at last entering a period of emotional sobriety. Just beginning mind but I've weathered some old relationship triggers and survived those with new tools and have the beginnings of what might turn out to be the bedrock of some actual esteem.
Today was vicious in it's own educational way. Random urine test. One guy had split last week of his own accord and today two others had to leave.
They were all technically tragic but one is an older guy, a man-child who was befriended by the two others and more or less taken advantage of. A disability check long awaited for close to a couple of grand came in and these two others bought some heavy drugs and then bought them up to the house, a drug free safe-house, and used and gave then sold him some.
They've split but he took it all on this morning, packed his stuff, got ready to go back to prison. He had only one month before he would have been out of the system entirely.
They fucked up his life for short cash.
Sobriety is serious. If you are an addict the simple fact is that drugs are not your friend. Never will be.
We've had informal get-togethers round the smoking areas. People work so as they return they get tested and rumours get put to rest. I thought certain guys would test dirty but they ended up not and being some of the more vocally staunch. Scolding the poor dude who was leaving but loving him too. Mainly Hawaiian. I'm privileged to be round people who act the way they do.
It's scary too. Recognising how easy it is to fuck up and recognising too how lucky we are to be given this time and space to heal up.
I was frightened taking the test. I know I'm clean but that didn't dent my anxiety. With time I will lose my internal status as someone who deserves the worst I suppose.
Going for gigs for the summer season, looking ahead. Watering my heirloom tomatoes, 15 varieties. I'm writing a script for Hilby and open for any other written work. I'm still funny. I'm glad I didn't lose that. I feel quite vulnerable without my acerbic dark weapon. Funny is a better use of my time.
Main thing is I'm clean and sober and this whole thing is a trip.
I keep telling myself. It's good to be sober.
You might disagree. That's OK with me.
Still, early days. It might pay you to be careful. I may be able still to find some bile somewhere.