There's a type of humility that's just naked and defenseless.
You look at the people, the people who have to various degrees from parents(at three) to friends and festivals to those who betrothed you. All sheltered and fed and structured and loved....you.
It's hard to take. The exhaustion you create when all that energy is seen as squandered down the maw of your own inability to love yourself.
I never stopped loving laughter. I didn't laugh that much myself but I made a lot of it. I am at a place where I have to leave that behind and just for a moment in time. Face myself naked and not flinch as this final exhaustion gives way to a sympathy for myself and others that contains no self pity or anger but instead reflects to the best of my ability all the love I've ever been shown.
Does this make sense?
Seems a little weird thinking aloud like this but it in it's own way is a declaration that not because it's a public forum but simply because I write these things down rather than not. Help for me to expunge that part of me that has to distract.
I was once told my developed articulation was a way of spinning word castles so that people would be distracted and forget to ask me the important question.
I think I know what the question is. I had once thought it was 'what are you afraid of?' but it's 'what/who are you?'
At this point all I can say is I'm an individual and I think I'm here to help.
The last two days I've done things, yesterday I bought a man a can of soda but we both knew there was more to it than that. It was an unbidden kindness greater than the sum of it's parts. The kind of thing that gives connection to the unconnected. And I washed someones clothes and dried them. Today I found a relapsed drug addict a porch they could sleep on after testing dirty and being kicked out of where I live. There is nothing as sad to me as someone standing next to everything they own next to the stripped bed that has been their shelter as they face the void of rejection and expulsion and the night outside is mirrored by their own unremitting fathomless immediate future.
I wonder if humility is the statement. If I can love me I can love anyone?
I feel a calm strength. I should quit while I'm ahead and see what happens tomorrow morning.
Probably wake up as arrogant as fuck : )