Waiter/performer arrives pre-performance dressed in
identical garb as other waiters. From kitchen enters and sets empty table.
Food critic arrives and is shown to his table.
[ Costume was tweed sports jacket with elbow
patches, shirt and tie.]
Food critic takes out small pad and pen and places
them on table.
Fastidiously surveys table, switches position of
salt and pepper, vase whatever..
Glances slightly furtively around before
surreptitiously extracting a retractable tape measure from his pocket under the
table and quite subtly measuring the distance between the edge of the table and
the ends of the knife and fork then writing those figures on the pad placed on
his right and then using the end of the the tape pushing the ends of the knife
and fork a set distance from the edge of the table then, self satisfied at his
successful subterfuge he waits.
The waiter passes by and the food critic catches
his attention with a raised hand and finger and mimes a menu, opening and
closing his palms. The waiter nods and exits, returning with the menu and
standing to the food critics right as he studies it.
The food critic points at a dish on the menu, the
waiter brightens then remembers that item is not available and conveys that by
mimed mumbling and hand movements, [hands palms down, one on top of the other
then moved away from each other twice]
The food critic shrugs nonchalantly, studies the
menu again and selects a second dish, the waiters reaction is repeated. The
second option is not available.
The third selection is, the waiter exits with the
menu.
The food critic after a short while [2 /3 mins] on
his own realises there is no water on his table .
The waiter is hovering some distance away at the
kitchen entrance.
The food critic raises his hand and finger and gets
the waiters attention. Mouths the word ‘water’ while miming tipping a glass to
his lips.
The waiter looks confused. The food critic repeats
his actions.
The waiter, questioning, mouths the word ‘water’
and mimes breaststroke.
The food critic nods affirmatively and shortly
afterwards the waiter arrives with water and pours it then departs.
Then follows at least 5 minutes of waiting. The
water is sipped, the surroundings are gazed at, but eventually, slowly, the
food critic begins to get drowsy, eventually succumbing he nods off sitting.
He remains sleeping for a minute or more before the
waiter arrives with his meal and stands beside him, a little bewildered at the
situation before clearing his throat [the only vocal sound produced in the
performance]
The foot critic snaps awake abruptly, the waiter
places the meal and begins to exit.
The foot critic immediately calls him back. The
food critic is not satisfied by the aspect of the plate and mimes the turning
of the plate. The waiter is surprised but does rotate the plate a couple of
degrees and looks at the food critic for confirmation. The food critic is not
yet happy and yet again the waiter rotates the plate. Satisfied the critic
dismisses the waiter, looks at the meal fondly, then picks up knife and fork
and puts first food into mouth. Stops, puts down cutlery and beckons waiter
firmly over.
In answer to the waiters inquiring expression the
critic places his palms above the meal and mouths, “It’s cold” He does this
twice. The waiter, understanding but a little miffed takes the plate and
returns to the kitchen with it.
one to two minutes pass
The food critic’s attention is elsewhere as the
waiter re-enters the room, walking backwards through the tables, holding a
lit candle underneath the plate of food, moving it about under the plate
in an attempt to heat the meal.
While other patrons might notice this strange
behaviour the food critic does not and the waiter puts the plate down on the
table and moves away quickly enough that the food critic does not have time to
call him back to rearrange the ‘aspect’ of the plate before he is well away and
heading back to the kitchen.
Sighing, the food critic attempts to move his plate
in an anticlockwise [or clockwise--who cares?] fashion to find that the plate
is indeed very hot.
[Also, because a candle has been used to this
effect, the bottom edges of the plate are coated with soot.]
The food critic moves the plate in increments and
between these applies his fingertips to his face in contemplative poses.
In doing so he streaks soot across his face very
obviously to all but him.
The food critic then eats his main course with due
intensity while making occasional notes.
After which the waiter returns, starts at the state
of the food critics face but carries on regardless, an inquiring expression
from the waiter is answered by a satisfied expression from the food critic who
surrenders his plate and again mimes a menu while mouthing the word “Dessert”
The Waiter nods and removes the plate and goes into
the kitchen.
The waiter emerges from the kitchen carrying a
dessert menu written on a blackboard and does not bring it to the table but
catches the food critics attention and holds the menu aloft at a distance of a
couple of tables away or at the kitchen entrance.
The food critic squints at the blackboard then
reaches into his jacket pocket and brings out a spectacle case which he opens
to discover it empty. He pats various pockets fruitlessly then squints again.
The waiter looks on expectantly.
The food critic signals that he cannot see the
menu, he shows his empty glasses case and his attitude is apologetic yet
persistently enquiring.
The waiter’s expression shows he has thought of a
solution, he signals the food critic to wait a moment, rests the blackboard
where it is and returns to the kitchen.
Returning moments later with a pair of binoculars
on a serving platter which he crosses the restaurant with and presents to the
food critic, who is momentarily puzzled but then quickly understands.
The waiter then returns to his blackboard and again
raises it and the food critic applies the binoculars and studies the menu from
across the room.
The food critic lowers the binoculars and mouths
the words “Strawberry and Cream” which is one item on the menu. The waiter nods
in understanding, mirrors “Strawberry and Cream” and quickly exits with the
board to the kitchen.
[NOTE; The binoculars have been rigged to leaves
large black circles around the eyes of the user so now the food critic has a
face smeared with soot and additionally two large black circles round his eyes
while being unaware of this.]
The food critic, oblivious to his condition and
also any reaction from other patrons waits in anticipation of dessert.
The waiter re-enters with a large plate on which,
placed in the middle is a solitary Strawberry.
The waiter places the plate and turns to go but the
food critic stops him and looks at the plate and back at the waiter and mouths
the word “Cream”
The waiter does not understand.
The food critic repeats the mouthing the word
“Cream” while miming the milking of a cow, then pointing to his plate.
The waiter understands “Oh Cream!” he mouths and
quickly exits.
Returning moments later with a pressure cream
dispenser, leaning over the table and squirting the smallest dab of cream
possible next to the solitary strawberry on the large plate. Turning to go he
is stopped by the critic who mouths the word “More” while miming a big pile on
top of the strawberry.
The waiter, growing finally frustrated, does as
instructed and again turns to go but again is stopped and the ritual of “More”
is reenacted.
The waiter then applies a very large blob of cream
in the middle of the plate and turns to the food critic for confirmation that
it finally is enough.
The food critic is satisfied and dismisses the
waiter who walks away but then circles back and while the food critic is poised
to attack his pile of cream with a strawberry buried in it it the waiter
stealthily administers a final blob of cream from his dispenser from behind the
food critic and on top of the food critics head. The waiter then exits.
So now the food critic, is eating cream, finding
the strawberry ,cutting it up and using pieces it to shovel cream and
eating his absurd dessert with relish unaware that his face is streaked with
soot, he has large black circles round his eyes and a medium blob of cream on
top of his head in a public place.
Shortly afterwards the waiter passes and the food
critic signals for the bill, the waiter indicates that the meal is on the house
and the food critic smugly accepts this development. The waiter hovers, the
food critic ostentatiously but clumsily shakes the waiters hand while
transferring a tip and then saunters self satisfied from the premises unaware
of the shocking state of himself.
THE END.
NOTES:
This was performed in a variety of restaurants for
both lunchtime and evening audiences.
Some, formica tabled, others upmarket.
Daniel Pearson [My waiter performer and performance
partner for this show- I was the critic]
who is English and who I had met at the Halifax
Street Performance Festival where he was in the original cast of the duo, ‘Men
in Coats’ was/is a talented clown and mime/non vocal performer whose timing and
characterisation lent much to the piece.
In one instance someone approached Daniel and told
him quite seriously that they had never seen a waiter as disrespectful to a
customer as he was.
and on another a patron approached and leaned over
me and said.
“I have never seen anyone treat a waiter as rudely
as you, You make me very angry, I want to hit you in the head. I have to go for
a walk now.”
Strangely both of those people were German
tourists. Just saying.....
It was interesting to see how long the theatre
could be sustained as ‘invisible’ that is, not recognised as theatre.
Sometimes me falling asleep signalled that there
was a contrived element to the situation but often there would be an envelope
of time where onlookers might suspect but not have yet confirmed to themselves
that what they were seeing was theatre.
The Binoculars were the tipping point.
Before that, even with having fallen asleep, having
soot all over my face and my interaction with the waiter being entirely
wordless, people still clung to an idea that it could be real.
It was a very interesting experiment. We received a
standing ovation from one or two venues and all were applauded.
I have not included every little piece as there
were a couple of 'bits' that established
character and status that I omitted in this narrative, just as any new
rendition would have embellishments that came with the performers inputs into
the process.
